With last night’s win against the New York Giants, the New England Patriots become the first NFL team to win 16 regular season games without a loss. That’s called perfection, and it’s a problem for the 90% of NFL fans that aren’t Patriots lovers. Don’t get me wrong, a perfect NFL regular season is something to behold, but I think the current medical research shows that it causes visceral hate in most football fans.
Football fans don’t want to think teams are perfect, especially if they are led by a quarterback with farm boy good looks, a wide receiver one parked car away from jail or a coach whose sense of ethics are predicated on the benefit to him. No, football fans get an ill feeling if a team walks through the regular season and then the post season without being tagged with the taint of a loss.
What are the symptoms of perfection? You don’t lose. You work through all 16 bone grinding, joint twisting games without having less points than your opponent. More serious symptoms include the sports media falling in love with you, getting caught cheating and featuring a pixie as the cog of your offense.
How do you diagnose perfection? To the untrained diagnostician the regular season record is a good place to start. The more seasoned doctor, though, will look under the thin film of smugness to ascertain the proper infection level.
How do you treat perfection? The team antibodies for treating perfection are not readily found in the NFL. It requires an antibody team effort, but the team needs to have certain characteristics. The most important is the surgical grafting of a larger set of testicles, the ability to Bledsoe crush Tom Brady and use a quarterback more media saturated. Forcing the New England Patriots to lose is the only hope they have for a cure.
How you do rehab perfection? It takes a while to rehab perfection and if it isn’t dealt with immediately it can fester into sacks of puss with very dour dispositions. The easiest way to make it through the rehab process is to continually lose. This will remove all strains of perfection and return your team to normal operation.