Loseandur gonorrhea – The NFL head coach disease sweeping the league

This year the NFL has seen a new disease sweep its ranks. The disease is insidious in infection rate, and almost as bad in career development. That disease is called loseandur gonorrhea. Lose and your gone is the typical street name.

While there are no medical tests for loseandur gonorrhea you can tell you are infected if you have the following symptoms:

  • You are an NFL coach
  • You have failed to win in the 2005 NFL season
  • Management makes fun of you in their after game parties
  • Your new responsibilities include shopping for the weekly groceries at home
  • Your wife looks unfamiliar and the kids seem to have grown

Loseandur gonorrhea runs unabated in the NFL off season claiming head coach after head coach. Even head coaches who think they’re winning can be infected.

Let’s look at the known cases of loseandur gonorrhea for the 2005 NFL season:

  1. Norv Turner: Norv contracted his case of loseandur gonorrhea from a very unique, aggressive type of moss. This type of moss will attack when you’re not looking and continue to dog you throughout the season. The funny thing is all Norv had to do to disinfect his body of the moss was to throw a football at it.
  2. Jim Haslett: Jimbo had a rough year catching his case of loseandur gonorrhea from swimming in the wrong brooks. The brooks were polluted and showed a penchant for looking good, but never living up to it. Add to the mix Hurricane Katrina, which infected his team with woeisusis, and you have the perfect breading ground. The New Orleans Saints GM knows that getting rid of loseandur gonorrhea is a pretty simple thing. Too bad he had to share it with Jim.
  3. Dom Capers: No one is an innocent victim when it comes to loseandur gonorrhea, and such is the case with Dom. Dom decided the best way to win a ball game is to let people run themselves into your car over and over again. The problem is that you get cut, and when you get cut loseandur gonorrhea gets into your system. Dom’s system wasn’t prepared for loseandur gonorrhea or the repercussions that come with it.
  4. Mike Tice: Sometimes you infect yourself, sometimes others infect you. Mike Tice caught his case of loseandur gonorrhea from a boat in Hennepin County Minnesota. He may have also contracted it from infected Super Bowl tickets, but one will never know. What is known is that his disease infected his team with the bacterium chokeusbiggameus.
  5. Mike Sherman: In dairy land loseandur gonorrhea isn’t a common disease. You have to work really hard to catch it, and for Mike Sherman he found all the right positions. He got it in his tight end, his ahman chants and his favreit meals. The unlucky bastard couldn’t avoid loseandur gonorrhea if he tried.
  6. Mike Martz: If there ever was a mercy killing due to loseandur gonorrhea it was with Mike Martz’s tenure as the St. Louis Rams coach. Not only did it put him in the hospital, it made him delirious. Mike initially contracted loseandur gonorrhea in the NFC playoffs against the Carolina Panthers, but it festered until the 2005 season when it took over the coach.
  7. Steve Mariucci: Even nice guys get infected, which proves the hideous nature of loseandur gonorrhea. Steve was harried into infection through a mish mash of talent that didn’t perform. He was Millened out of his job, but don’t worry about Steve. He’s cured and should find his way back into a NFL head coaching job soon.

Loseandur gonorrhea can be treated with wins and playoff appearances, but there is no vaccine. NFL coaches everywhere need to watch for warning signs and deal with the illness before it overwhelms them



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